The threat of corn

So it all started with a picture... I was at the Caldwell Public Library book sale and saw this...

Immediately, my mind flew to my favorite rage-filled Polish keep, Artur Boruc. Every week, Artur publishes a list of things that make him angry on the yahoo soccer blog Dirty Tackle. Every week, corn and it's plot to take over the world is heavily featured. I knew that "Corn and Corn Improvement" would most likely cause Artur to have a conniption. So I decided to send an email.

Hi Brooks, [author of DirtyTackle]

I'm a huge fan of DirtyTackle, especially Fridays when the rage list makes its appearance (and the fact that Artur Boruc is a fan as well just makes it better). I was at a library book sale and found this in the racks. Obviously my first thought went to Artur. That probably makes me a very strange person to most people but I knew you'd appreciate. Enjoy!

Cheers,
Michal

Two days later, I received this.

Haha thanks, Michal! Artur will be using it.

Brooks

Several hours later, I check up on Artur's rage list to find this: (see highlighted material but read all of it to realize the sheer wonder of Artur and his rage).

Fri Feb 04 01:59pm EST

Artur Boruc's Friday Rage List

By Brooks Peck

AHHHHHHHH I AM ARTUR BORUC AND THIS IS A LIST OF THINGS THAT MADE ME ANGRY THIS WEEK:

1. WHATEVER IS STUCK IN MY TEETH -- AHHHHHHHHHHH I HAVE SOMETHING STUCK IN MY TEETH AND IT IS THE MOST ANNOYING THING I HAVE EVER EXPERIENCED!!!!!!!!! I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT IT IS!!!!!!!!! IT MIGHT BE A PIECE OF TIGER MEAT OR IT MIGHT BE A PART OF A STEEL CHAIR THAT I BIT BECAUSE IT LOOKED SHINY AND DELICIOUS!!!!!!! STOP JUDGING ME OR I WILL HIT YOU WITH THE REST OF IT!!!!!!!!!!

2. THE RAGE LISTS THAT I WRITE -- I LIKE THE RAGE LISTS THAT I WRITE!!!!!!!!!! THIS MAKES ME ANGRY BECAUSE IT IS BOTH CONFUSING AND TERRIFYING!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHH I THINK I SOMEHOW DROPKICKED A HOLE INTO ANOTHER DIMENSION!!!!!!!!!!

3. ARJEN ROBBEN STRANGLING HIS OWN TEAMMATES -- YOU DON'T DO THIS!!!!!!!!! I DON'T CARE HOW ANNOYING THEY ARE OR HOW MANY OWN GOALS THEY SCORE ON YOU YOU CAN'T CHOKE THEM ON THE PITCH!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHH I WANTED TO CHOKE GARY CALDWELL SO BAD WHEN I WAS AT CELTIC THAT MY EYEBALLS ALMOST LITERALLY SHOT OUT OF MY SKULL!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHH I JUST SMASHED THIS CONTAINER OF EXPIRED YOGURT I WAS GOING TO EAT!!!!!!!!!!!

4. CORN -- AHHHHHHHHHH THE CORN HAS INVADED OUR LIBRARIES!!!!!!!!!!! SINCE I FIRST SAW THIS I HAVE HEADBUTTED 17 FARM ANIMALS AND STARTED TO WRITE A NEW BOOK CALLED "CORN AND CORN DESTRUCTION!!!!!!!!!!!!" IT'S GOING TO BE AN EROTIC THRILLER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [author's note: hey... this sounds familiar :) ]

5. LIVERPOOL FANS BURNING TORRES SHIRTS -- YOU DON'T BURN SHIRTS!!!!!!!!! THAT'S A TOTAL WASTE OF A PERFECTLY GOOD GARMENT!!!!!!!! YOU GIVE THE SHIRT TO A HOMELESS PERSON AND THEN SET YOURSELF ON FIRE BEFORE RUNNING THROUGH THE STREETS UNTIL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT PUTS YOU OUT AND BEGS YOU NOT TO SET YOURSELF ON FIRE AGAIN!!!!!!!!!! I DON'T CARE WHAT THEY SAY I'M GOING TO KEEP DOING IT!!!!!!!

6. THE MANAGER WHO STOMPED THE PITCH INVADER -- STOMPING THE HEADS OF FANS IS WRONG!!!!!!!! EXCEPT WHEN THEY'RE RANGERS FANS AND YOU SEE THEM EATING DINNER IN A FANCY RESTAURANT THAT IS ABOUT TO KICK YOU OUT FOR WEARING FLIP FLOPS WITH KNIVES GLUED ONTO THEM!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHH KNIFE FLOPS ARE GOING TO BE SO HOT NEXT SEASON!!!!!!!!!

7. THE GOALKEEPER WHO TORE HIS ACL AFTER SCORING A WINNER -- THIS IS A NIGHTMARE!!!!!!!! A NIGHTMARE!!!!!!!!! ALTHOUGH IF I EVER TEAR MY ACL I WILL DEMAND THE DOCTORS REPLACE ME KNEES WITH TRASH COMPACTORS!!!!!!! AHHHHHHH THAT WOULD BE SO AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!

8. LOUIS VAN GAAL SHOWING HIS BALLS TO HIS TEAM -- THIS IS AN EVEN BIGGER NIGHTMARE!!!!!!!! AN EVEN BIGGER NIGHTMARE!!!!!! IF VAN GAAL EVER SHOWED ME HIS BALLS I WOULD HEADBUTT THEM REPEATEDLY!!!!!! WAIT I JUST THOUGHT ABOUT WHAT THAT WOULD LOOK LIKE AND I DON'T WANT PEOPLE TO READ THAT!!!!!!! DELETE!!!!!!! DELETE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

9. MY IDIOT NEIGHBOR DAN WYKOWSKI -- SO I WAS TRYING TO CONVINCE SEVERAL OF MY FRIENDS TO WATCH THE LITTLE MERMAID WITH ME AGAIN BUT THIS TIME WHILE TRYING TO SYNC IT UP TO A TAYLOR SWIFT RECORD LIKE DARK SIDE OF THE MOON AND WIZARD OF OZ WHEN I DECIDED TO SPRINT OVER TO MY IDIOT NEIGHBOR DAN WYKOWSKI'S HOUSE AND SCREAM IN HIS STUPID IDIOT FACE!!!!!!!!!!! WHEN DAN FINALLY RESPONDED TO MY ROUNDHOUSE KICKS TO HIS FRONT DOOR, HE SAID "OH ARTUR WHAT A PLEASANT SURPRISE" AND I SAID "THANK YOU FOR SAYING THAT DAN" BUT I SAID IT IN A WAY SO HE WOULD KNOW THAT I WANT HIM TO LIVE ON A HOUSE BOAT JUST SO I CAN SINK IT!!!!!!!!!! AFTER SEVERAL MINUTES OF STARING AT EACH OTHER HE ASKED WHAT I WANTED AND I SAID "NOTHING!!!!!!!!!" AND THEN I RAN BACK TO MY HOUSE AND SANG "UNDER THE SEA" UNTIL I BLACKED OUT!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHH I HOPE DAN'S GOOBER KIDS GROW UP TO BE SCIENTISTS AND MAKE HIM LOOK LIKE EVEN MORE OF AN IDIOT!!!!!!!!!!

I AM ARTUR BORUC AND THIS HAS BEEN MY RAGE LIST. SEE YOU NEXT WEEK! GOD BLESS!!!!!!

Photo: SE/East News

Related: Artur Borucs Friday Rage List

So no biggie.... just helped contribue to Artur Boruc's Rage List. It's cool. And seriously, I woudl love to meet Dan Wykowski and his goober kids.