Wouldabeenaversary

In the hustle and bustle of a busy week at school, plus then Sundance, I wasn't able to post on January 20th, the one year anniversary of when I left for Oxford. So I thought it would be fitting to post what I journaled about that night.

One year ago, I left for the greatest adventure I could have ever imagined. I miss Oxford, the life I led there, living with Roni, the experiences that I had, the opportunities given, the museum, my little Somalian munchkins, the bad commercials, going to the market, public transportation-to say I miss it a lot would be a massive understatement. Tonight I went to the Alumni Book Club discussing the Great Divorce by C.S. Lewis which I felt was quite fitting given the circumstances. While reading the beginning about the bus, I was picturing Magdalen and the queues of buses in front of Debenhams, the club, the Sainsbury's and the hotel that I would stand at at least five times a week waiting to take the 2 or 6 back home. We discussed the idea that we control whether we see heaven or hell- it's a state of mind and being. To me, Oxford was my heaven. It was in England, a place I had dreamed of living for years, where I met great friends, have adventures, explored, laughed and cried. I came to realize in this discussion we were having that your life is what you make of it. I am in no way unhappy here in Idaho- I have been quite blessed in fact and the fact that I hang out with 90% of those at book club helped prove that- but I know that I hold Oxford and that experience up on a pedestal. I know that unless I change my view, that I will always be in a "hell". I need to let go of the things that are holding me back (like the woman in the Great Divorce who couldn't move past her overpowering, obsessive love for her son), remove that facade that gets put on for people (like the dwarf holding the chained Tragedian on a leash) and make a heaven out of where I am. "If earth is chosen instead of heaven, it will turn out to be only a region of hell; and earth, if put second to heaven, to have been from the beginning a part of heaven itself." It won't be easy and at times I'll get sad, frustrated, discouraged but by making a change, I'll turn this earth into a heaven. People will be more real, I'll be more honest, radical changes will happen. I'm not in charge of the ultimate plan, but it's my decision regarding how I'll handle it. Will I look for a souvenir of hell or will I accept heaven and be left with not a single scrap of hell. Only time will tell, because it's a process, but no matter how hard, painful, discouraging, long the process is, in the end, the result will be heaven and honestly, what better reward is there than that?